You mentioned in the all-team meeting the other day that if we had any specific requests, we should let you know. Well, I have one.
I’d like to (respectfully) request an increase in the IT budget. I know, I know – you said budgets are locked down through 2018 and you’re not making any more changes unless the business climate changes. I get it. But I truly believe there are some compelling reasons that will convince you to make an exception. Here they are:
Our IT systems are in need of modernization.
You know Jerry, right? Jerry’s the guy with the white beard who sits in the basement. He started working here in 1985 as a systems administrator. He’s still a systems administrator, as a matter of fact, which I don’t really understand — but that’s really Jerry’s fight. The real point is that Jerry is the one who specified and designed our whole system. We’re talking backup tapes and dial-up here, Jan. That office down in the basement mostly houses his collection of floppy discs. Jerry still has an AOL account. It’s beyond time for a change. And change costs money, Jan. You of all people should know that.
Our file sharing, backup and security approaches are outdated.
Have you ever taken a good, hard look at our setup for file sharing, Jan? Here’s a visual for you: A house of cards. In fact, think of that one episode of “The Brady Bunch” where all the Brady kids are working together to build a house of cards, and Tiger the dog comes running in and bumps Jan, and the whole thing topples. We’re talking Brady-esque card house here, Jan, and Tiger is in the building. And don’t even get me started on backup and security (though it would be a short conversation, because we don’t have any).
We require additional expertise to upgrade our methodologies.
Ah, hell, Jan – I’m just gonna come out and say it: We don’t know what we’re doing. I mean it – not a clue. I studied poetry at the University of Chicago, and I never even graduated. You know that pile of old phones and monitors and other hardware that’s in the empty office next to mine? I have no idea what any of it is or what it does. When someone needs something done, I rely on Google, YouTube and a little bit of luck to find the solution. It’s worked so far, but one day the whole thing is just going to implode. We need to bring in some smarts here, Jan, and fast. Having said that, I truly think my managerial acumen and institutional knowledge makes me the ideal person to oversee the team.
That’s the gist of it, Jan. You’re a smart woman, from what I’ve seen, so I’m pretty sure you’ll agree that it’s time to make more of an investment in IT. But if that’s not enough to convince you, I thought I might highlight a few major milestones and accomplishments our team has achieved over the past year:
- An outage in August lasted more than 16 hours. During that time, the IT systems of many other businesses were hacked. Our outage actually prevented us from being victimized by hackers.
- We have had zero turnover on our team in the past 20 years. (Think Jerry.) That has saved the company a lot of money.
- We created a “Your Mom Doesn’t Work Here” sign for the kitchen to remind people to do their own dishes and not leave them in the sink.
Jan, I know you’re a reasonable boss. I know your goal is to run an efficient, profitable operation. I’m here to help. I guarantee you that increasing our budget will yield results. In my next letter, I’ll outline what those results will be. I just haven’t had time to Google them yet.
P.S. This whole thing kinda reminds me of the intern asking his mom for a bigger allowance. I actually made a video about it. I’ve attached it — I think. I’m not quite sure if videos fit inside that paper-clip thingy.